The attachment-authenticity trade-off is about how we often make choices between being our authentic selves and seeking attachment or approval from others. Growing up this usually happens out of conscious awareness.
Sometimes, to fit in or be liked by others, including our parents when we were little, we might pretend to be someone we’re not. We might suppress certain emotions e.g. anger in place happiness, something that is more acceptable to our caregivers. So we wear masks to please or be accepted.
This can make us feel disconnected from our real selves, and that’s where the authenticity part comes in – it’s as if we trade our authentic selves to be accepted.
As Gabor Mate says, “The worst impact of trauma is disconnection from ourselves.”
On the flip side, we all have this deep need for connection. We want to feel attached to others, loved, and accepted. So, we may compromise our authenticity in the pursuit of these connections. It’s like we’re trading our true selves for approval or attachment.
In Transactional Analysis we have the concept of Drivers to help think about this further. Drivers are a conditional sense of OKness given out of awareness by the caregiver to the child growing up. They effectively say to the child, ‘you’re OK around here as long as you are like this (insert Driver)’. These can influence your behaviour and life choices. These Drivers are not always explicitly stated but are often communicated indirectly through the family environment. The five Drivers are as follows –
Be Perfect: This Driver encourages individuals to strive for perfection in everything they do. People who have received this Driver may feel an intense pressure to excel and can be overly critical of themselves. They often fear making mistakes and seek validation of their existence through their achievements.
Please Others: This Driver leads individuals to prioritise the needs and desires of others over their own. Those who internalise this injunction often become people-pleasers, avoiding conflict and prioritising external validation at the expense of their own needs and desires.
Be Strong: This Driver encourages individuals to suppress their emotions and vulnerabilities, often leading to a stoic and unemotional exterior. People who receive this Driver may struggle to express their feelings or ask for help, as they feel a need to appear strong and self-sufficient.
Hurry Up: This Driver pushes individuals to be impatient and rush through tasks or life in general. Those who internalise this Driver may find it challenging to relax and enjoy the present moment, constantly feeling the need to be on the move.
Try Hard: This Driver compels individuals to continually strive and put in excessive effort. People who receive this injunction may feel a constant need to prove themselves and may struggle with burnout.
These Drivers are not necessarily explicitly communicated but are often picked up from the behaviour and expectations of parents or caregivers during childhood. Understanding these Drivers can be a valuable aspect of personal growth and self-awareness, as it helps individuals recognise and challenge these patterns if they are no longer serving their well-being.
Do you recognise any one of these Drivers as dominant in your life?
The challenge as we get older is how to manage the balance between being true to ourselves, knowing when we are being driven by our Driver/s as a conscious choice and not as a compulsion, and maintaining meaningful relationships.
As a child you may have had to trade authenticity for attachment to feel safe, as an adult, know that it is possible to have both.